Hector the Collector

I don’t even remember how it started…I was reminiscing the other day about kids I went to school with.  Some moved away, others stayed and we graduated high school together. Some I remember vividly, others not so much.  Back in those days (which I imagine is STILL the case) there was the “in-crowd” (usually the “haves”), and then there were those who were definitely “out” (the “have-nots”) and then there were those who were somewhere in the middle (the truth is that they were probably “have-nots” who were just on the fringe and desperately wanted to be in the “in-crowd”).

It was a relatively new time—the 70’s and 80’s.  The 60’s made it “far out” to be on the fringe of society but by the late 70’s and early 80’s in Midwestern America too far out was no longer cool.  Within each social classification there were any number of sub-groups (now made famous by Ferris Bueller’s high school secretary [played by Edie McClure] when she said [speaking of Ferris]): “The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, d*ckheads - they all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude.”

Hollywood was quick to take advantage of our “coming of age” with movies like” Pretty in Pink, The Breakfast Club, the aforementioned Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Risky Business, St Elmo’s Fire, Dirty Dancing, and the list goes on…

There is a single theme in all of this…people who “belong,” people who “don’t belong,” and people who either desperately want to belong or desperately don’t want to belong.

I can remember those years in Jr. Hi and High school…the faces of those who never really seemed to “fit” anywhere (I seemed to remember thinking I was one of them). I remember those who had no trouble fitting in anywhere (they usually had the best cars, and the nicest clothes, and somehow always had money to spend even though they didn’t work??).  Then there were some people who just seemed plain invisible…almost forgettable, like you could see them every single day in the hallway but never speak to them and find it hard to recall what they looked like (which is pretty odd because I came from a VERY small town with a high school where everybody knew everybody else). As I take a stroll down memory lane…I wonder where they are today?

I LOVE the closing scene of The Breakfast Club…as Bender walks across the football field with his back to the camera, his boots unlaced, and his un-kept hair and appearance disappearing from the frame…he stands with knees locked and raises his right hand, fist clenched, in defiance of the social paradigms and classifications…I loved it, it was perfect, not only the perfect ending to the movie but to what seemed like an endless but completely unnecessary struggle. Today, they are gathering in our nation’s capital, and people all over the U.S. are remembering another perfect moment…the 50th anniversary of MLK’s “I Have a Dream" speech—while certainly more “historic” than Bender’s defiant gesture—both evoke the same type of emotion in me. And now…nearing 50 I wonder…

When my wife and I were first married 25 years ago I bought her a present…a book (I know… "how romantic”)—but at the time she was teaching children and loved the author (she had no idea that the author was already famous for writing songs and drawing cartoons for Playboy magazine…but I did) I too grew to love the children’s books and I have learned much from him. Shel Silverstein died in 1990—perhaps completely underrated for his contributions and understandings of culture.  His poem “Hector the Collector” from Where the Sidewalk Ends, remains a favorite. It is a simple poem about a boy who collects things…usually things that others find no value in (they “called it junk”), but Hector cherishes these things and “loved these things with all his soul.” In fact, Silverstein writes, he “loved them more than shining diamonds, loved them more than glistenin’ gold.” 

As I reflect on Hector, my past, my future, where I am now and what I do I am reminded that with age comes, at least some, wisdom, and maturity (I hope). I wonder where they are now…’cause I want to tell them something. I have learned that God collects broken things…things that others think of as junk, people that have been cast away by society, people who are “invisible” to others and who won’t matter their whole lives (or even in death).  I know that now…because I am one of those people. I am Jackson Brown’s Pretender who “started out so young and strong only to begin and end there.”

Rich or poor, well known or nobody important…we share a commonality…we are broken…broken by what the bible calls sin…the poor choices in our lives. I am thankful today that God, like Hector, loves us more than diamonds or gold and was not content to leave me broken…how you say?  “What can make me whole again…nothing but the blood of Jesus.”

I believe…help me in my unbelief.

Prayerful Beginnings?

I HATE beginnings. The beginnings of movies usually take too long to reveal the plot.  As an introvert I would rather make a trip to the dentist than to face the beginning of something--like a new school semester, a new job, a new situation, etc... UGH!!! Even the thought of it causes a small amount of anxiety and fear of the unknown.

However, IF Heraclitus is right and everything in the universe is fluid (that is to say it lacks permanency) [he states "one never steps in the same stream twice"] then everything all the time is new (nothing is permanent) and each thing we do is somehow a beginning even though it may appear that we have done this very same thing over and over again.

I have been teaching on prayer lately (in fact, I am convinced that I teach and read about prayer because of the guilt that I have about not actually praying enough). I have found a LOT of helpful information in a number of resources...but every time I close my eyes and try to focus it seems like that awkward first time again.  My mind wonders, guilt ensues, I quickly think that prayer is descending into a diatribe at best and a soliloquy at worst!! As J.I. Packer puts it..."it has become a duty and not a delight" (see the work here: Packer, J.I. and Nystrom, Carolyn "Praying: Finding our Way Through Duty to Delight).

I never seem to get beyond the fumbling to the "good part."  Theologically I am there.  I believe, know and understand that God loves me, wants what's best for me, and wants me to communicate with Him.  I just sense silence and not communication. I still pray, badly, but I seem to spend a LOT more time lately NOT asking things--perhaps I lack the faith to ask because of the silence I have experienced.  If I were a deterministic Calvinist I would simply chalk it up to God's determinism and let it go...but I am not.  Like Rich Mullins, I keep thinking that He is playing "Hard to Get."

But then I happened upon this Thomas Merton quote:

We do not want to be beginners [at prayer]. But let us be convinced of the fact 

that we will NEVER be anything but beginners, all our life!

Interesting...as much as I HATE beginnings I wonder if it is worth starting over with a new perspective?  Paul sheds light on a similar problem in Romans chapters 9-11 where he finally figures out that the majority of the human problem is a problem in perspective...we cannot see what God sees, nor can we know what God knows-- "His ways are not our way." Instead of praying my perspective I should seek a new perspective from the One who sees all!!

Each beginning will always be difficult...but I like that I never face it alone.

I believe help my unbelief.

5 Miles of Bad Road in the Middle of the Wilderness (Or Why I've Kept Going)

I just got a call (a digitally recorded call...I might add) at my church office about...are you ready...aerial photography.  You know...those fly over shots you see of businesses and farms and other cool stuff.

Don't be confused...I am NOT against aerial photography (sometimes I think the pics are pretty cool)--but I just don't see our leadership going for it and I have no idea where we would hang such a thing or why.  But last night and that phone call reminded me of a few things.

After the call I sat and wondered what my life might look like from an aerial view?  Sometimes people plot their journey like a line graph...showing the peaks and valleys and the ups and downs...but I wonder how my life might look from an overhead perspective? I can only imagine!!  I don't want to see a line graph...it would only depress me!! But an overhead perspective where you get the BIG picture...might look a LOT different.

I have a feeling that it might look like some broken up road in the middle of nowhere...probably like SO many "cow paths" that I walked to fish in a farm pond...weeds growing up both sides, there's only dirt where the cows walk, and where the tractor passes by...then there is the stuff that the cows leave behind...that seems to be everywhere...including the bottom of your boots!  Yeah it has been a tough last few years.  A piece of road I NEVER thought I would hit when I was in my 20's and 30's--back then was a struggle too..but for different reasons and in different ways...as I approach 50 the struggles have changed, my perception of them has changed, and how I deal with them has changed as well.

About 6 years ago I moved to my present location to be an associate minister (in retrospect I'll confess...with a LOT of expectations), in a congregation that everyone thought would soon be pushing 200 and beyond.  After only a few months there the senior minister announced that he was leaving--I applied but was not given the position---though disgruntled I stayed and tried to move forward in the position that I was in.  Another senior minster was hired, after two years he announced that he was leaving...I was told I would not be considered for the position (BTW...by that time I had been in the ministry for 20 years with 10 years experience in the pulpit)...so I quit.  That's right...that night...on the spot I quit...not knowing how I would support my family or what would happen...it was basically like a "secular" job...I gave my two weeks notice and that was the end of it.
I considered leaving the ministry completely but to be honest...at my age...in our location...there's not much out there.

After a couple of months of supply preaching I was asked to become the interim of a small congregation about an hour from home. I agreed for the short-term.  The congregation had been through some problems, attendance had diminished, and they were (and still are) in financial trouble due to the split. I began to drive over three days a week--for almost no financial support--things got a little better.  As I prayed, (and frankly...feared) God laid on my heart to pursue this ministry as a missionary...perhaps I could get financial backing from others to support our efforts there...I did, He did, and we did. That was nearly three years ago and I am still the interim minster there...but we have set a a timeline for change...only God knows what this year will bring (changes...definitely changes!!).

That's my story...as Paul Harvey was wont to say...here's the "rest of the story." 

At my last position I had the great pleasure to meet up with a missionary from Haiti.  In fact, I got to travel to Haiti for a week of short term labor for the Kingdom.  In the waning months of my tenure at the church he contacted me about working with him to start an institute to teach Haitian nationals how to be ministers...I think he called it "A Haitian Bible College"--I am not at all sure why he contacted me except that he knew I had an advanced degree and some experience teaching college students.

LONG story short--the dream became a reality and this Fall I will begin my third year teaching Haitian students at the institute via online technology.

Last night that same missionary came to my house for a visit.  He told me, with GREAT joy, how the institute, though still small in size was making a HUGE impact in its area in Haiti.  My students are working in private schools, helping at the church (doing youth work), are being ordained as deacons in their local churches, there is even a new vision of a church plant that will use the students from the institute to help plant the congregation in a rural place where no church exists (property has even been donated for this purpose)--there is a dream of a medical clinic near the church that will serve the area--reaching both physical and spiritual needs. 

DON'T MISUNDERSTAND...I didn't do or cause ANY of these things to happen...for the Haitians I am mostly a face on a video screen that talks too much. However, in the "mess" that is my current life situation I was reminded that I need to step back and see what God is doing in the middle of my mess.

I have thought about, wanted to, prayed about, cried out to God, written out...you name it...I HAVE WANTED OUT...the ministry is hard on people and families and we (unfortunately like SO many others) have bore the brunt of the negative side of what it means to serve in God's Kingdom.

An aerial view might look better than I think...to me it would probably look like 5 miles of bad road in the middle of the wilderness...but from a BIGGER perspective...you know how those aerial pictures are---they are so far away that all the small stuff that seems out of place when you see them from the ground...go unnoticed from the air...everything that in everyday life seems to occupy and clutter seems insignificant from a bigger perspective.

I tend to only see the glass 1/2 empty with WAY too much stuff cluttering up the landscape.  God's see it too (I am certain) but today I was reminded why God sees the BIG picture...and that is why I keep going...because I trust someone sees something better in the distance than I am able to see. So let us "not grow weary in doing good"--but keep our eyes on the "Author and Perfecter of our faith"--what might look like 5 miles of bad road in the middle of the wilderness might look like something else to Him!

I believe...help me in my unbelief.